


The Lawyer

by thenightwing



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 12:20:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20948237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenightwing/pseuds/thenightwing
Summary: Olivia falls in love with a lawyer. It makes sense her daughter does too.





	The Lawyer

**Author's Note:**

> Just a piece that was itching to get out of my head. Characters definitely ain't mine (except for Alexander). Not beta-ed, all mistakes are mine.

Hi, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Alexander, Cabot-Benson on papers, and just Benson in real life.

I'm sure it's obvious, but I have two amazing moms. Olivia Benson & Alex Cabot, who adopted me at the age of 14 (at the time, I was deep-faced in a tragedy where my father was a rapist & my mother was a murderer; they swooped in like guardian angels and decided "We're adopting a 14-year-old even when we've been married for only a year."

I'm 19 now, freshman at the Riverside Community College (Olivia and Alex wanted me to make a full 4-year education, but I wanted to be a cop, and going through another 2 years before applying for the Police Academy just didn't seem appealing nor sensible). I major in Criminal Justice (duh), and aspire to become an SVU detective one day (Alex personally was bummed I didn't want to be a lawyer, but courthouses just weren't my place).

Most of my free time is spent at the 16th Precinct, learning the ruses early-on under the guises of visiting Olivia (and her team).

So that was where I came, and as always, I was greeted warmly by the numerous officers and detectives strolling around. The precinct always smelt like a mixture of coffee and donuts (I understood that joke on the first moment I stepped foot in here, actually), and, if I'm allowed to be a little bit corny, home.

For better, and for worse, I've made a lot of memories here.

"Hey, I didn't expect to see you here today."

I smiled, waving goodbye to the friendly Detective Frost from Homicide and walked over to greet Olivia (aka "Momma" or "Ma").

Being Captain had changed her aura slightly bit, in a good way of course. She always made sure to iron her shirts & leggings before leaving the house now. It made Alex, aka "Mom", incredibly pleased. I guess being married to the Bureau Chief required a more refined dress-code (whatever that meant).

"My class was cancelled." I shrugged, silently thanking the flu season for helping me escape from the tedious and boring British Literature class (served me right for minoring in Literature, I guess). "I figured I could come here & do some actual learning. Do you have time for lunch?"

I couldn't help a frown when Olivia shook her head regrettably, pointing a finger towards her office door and grimaced. "I'm sorry. Your mom and I have to go through several witness statements for the newest case."

"It's okay." I smiled, easing Olivia's regret and signaled a greeting through the glass towards Alex, who waved warmly back at me. "Does this mean you both will be home late tonight?"

Checking her watch, Olivia nods. I know she hated working overtime now that Ali (the younger and MUCH cuter Cabot-Benson) had started elementary school. Thankfully, they got a very good babysitter, Lucy. I babysat all the time too, but now that I moved out, it wasn't as often as before.

The precinct's captain promised to make it up to me another day, and I rolled my eyes, but smiling to show I meant no hostility. She grabbed the two cups of coffee she came out for, and disappeared back inside her office.

I sighed, peering boringly over my watch and groaned. It was definitely time to feed my ever-craving intestine, but I dreaded the loneliness of dining by myself. I haven't seen Olivia or Alex this week, but I wouldn't have to wait long as tomorrow was Sunday and we always had Sunday dinner together as a family.

“I get one day off and neither of my moms could have lunch with me.” I grumbled, shying away from the bullpen and sticking my hands into my pockets. If there were pebbles on the marvel floors, I would have kicked them just to prove a point.

“Would you like to have lunch with me instead?”

Startled, I spun myself around to see the source of the deep, husky voice that’s just spoken.

Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph. This woman was gorgeous.

Dark, crimson, red hair. Pale, slightly emerald, green eyes. Sharp jawline.

High cheekbones. Full red lips. Pearly white teeth.

And Jesus Christ are those dimples?!

“H-hi?” oh God why was I so awkward.

“Hey, I’m Casey Novak.”

Oh. Oh!

So this was Casey Novak. The new SVU ADA that Olivia had been going on and on about. I hadn't heard her gushing about an ADA that much since Alex was it. Even my Bureau Chief mom loved this Harvard-graduate too (probably partly because they went to the same school), praising her fierceness & determination in getting justice for the victims at our dining table.

I was intrigued. But now? It wouldn't be too far-fetched to say I was damn attracted to her.

“Hi!” I winced at the volume of my greeting, hurriedly clearing my throat in hopes of her not noticing any adolescent awkwardness. Jesus I was supposed to be 19 here. “You’re the new SVU’s ADA. I’m Alexander Cabot-Benson.”

“I know.” She smiled, the dimples grazing deeper into her cheeks and possibly into my heart. “I saw a picture of you, Alice and Alex on Olivia’s desk on my first day."

I blushed, still dazed by the power of her dimples. In the back of my head, I remembered asking why Olivia had to choose a picture in which I wasn't even smiling. She had grinned, and said that I didn't smile often at all, and it was especially cute when I sulked at not getting to eat the last burger. I vividly remembered the taste of that burger, Uncle Fin always have the best BBQs.

“I almost forgot it was there, to be honest.” I embarrassingly admitted, unable to take my eyes off her beautiful eyes. “Did you really just ask me to lunch or was I hallucinating that part?”

She raised an eyebrow, though I wasn’t sure at which part of what I said “You weren’t. I meant to go see Captain Benson about a case, but that could wait.”

“No, please. Don’t let me disturb your schedule.” really, a beautiful woman like her wasting time on me was the last thing I wanted.

Casey shook her head, smiling gently at me. Almost as if she was timid. “You’re not. I want to get to know you. Seeing as you’re already part of SVU and a familiar face here, getting to know you would benefit me too.”

I nodded, though not registering much at the moment. The rational part of me agreed it wouldn’t be any harm getting lunch with Casey. She was, for the lack of a better title, a new member of the family.

“Okay” I nodded again, steering both of us away from Olivia's office & the Special Victims Unit bullpen. I didn’t want the sounds of our voices to somehow make their way in there and disturb the conversation. “What would you like to eat, Ms. Novak?”

Casey laughed, her leather suitcase tightened in her hands as she and I waited for the elevator to arrive. I felt myself smiling too, the warmth of something-something stirring in my chest.

“Please, call me Casey. According to Fin, I’m not much older than you.”

If that was true, Casey would be one of the youngest ADAs I’ve ever known about. And I thought my mom was pretty young when she started out here.

“Alright, Casey” I tested, my smile widening when hers brightened in glee “vice versa, you can call me Xander.”

——————————

It wasn't easy being in the Police Academy. I could handle all the exercises, the exams, and even the hazings (those are especially tough when you're a female). It was the lack of freedom that got to me. Normally it didn't bother me, but I was a bit homesick (I haven't seen neither Olivia, Alex, or Alice the last three weeks).

So I'm sure you can imagine the glee etched on every part of my body when I power-walked into the precinct, still donning the academy's uniform - black slacks & t-shirt. Tomorrow was the last Sunday of the month, which meant I had a full day off.

I was actually on my way home when Olivia called, asking if I could stop by the precinct for a minute of consultation. I was ecstatic, though I wasn't sure what I could do to help them. It's not like I'm an expert or anything of sorts.

So it turns out, they needed an interpreter. Luckily for me (I feel bad for saying but it's the honest truth), the precinct's main interpreter for Japanese was off sick, and so the wonderful responsibility of helping a distraught Japanese woman recount her encounter with a perpetrator in a dark alley fell graciously on my lap.

The task was done in just 3 hours, as Molly had an extremely good memory and was able to describe the perp's face details by details. Soon enough, the sketch artist had completed a rough (that's an understatement, I thought it looked better than any of those Picasso pieces Alex loved so much) sketch and handed it over to the lead detectives of the case.

"Hey ma, is it possible for us to have lunch now?" I had high hopes, knowing she sent Amanda, Sonny & Fin to do the leg work. Olivia squashed my dreams with a regretful sigh, saying she would have to reschedule for another day since she had another witness coming in, a high profile one.

Yeah, I knew where her priorities (rightfully so, I'm not bitter nor anything. I understand completely) lies.

"You just hate the idea of me getting lunch with my family on my day offs, don't you?" I grumbled at the ceiling, humoring myself with the idea that whatever-high-being up there was snickering evilly down at me.

Looking down at my watch, I noticed it was already time for the academy to let out. I guess I could just go back to my apartment to sleep, or eat. Whichever came first.

"Hey Al?"

"Hey!" I didn't know Casey was at the station too.

I was about to ask what she was doing here, but I stopped myself Just in time. There was something off about my best friend. I could hear it in the way she timidly called out to me, how her voice slightly wavered, unlike the boisterous (but gentle nonetheless) and confident tone she always took on.  
  
Raising an eyebrow, I didn't turn to look at her as I stuffed my notebook (which I used to take notes) back inside my backpack and put on my jacket. Shuffling of black shoes drifted into my line of vision, and so I steered my eyes up to look into Casey's greens.

"Case, what's up?" I asked, taking note of how tired my best friend looked.

It really had been a busy couple of days, with difficult cases following after one another.

I didn't know much, just bits of this and that from Olivia & Alex. If my mom was busy enough to miss a few meals and momma had to escort (read: subtly forcing) her to eat, then Casey must be just as tired. I didn't actually get to see her throughout this whole week, and I would straightly admit to anyone who asked (not out loud though) that I missed her.

Casey gave me a sigh, a tired smile (I could easily notice the differences of her smiles after two years of friendship with her, how… whipped of me) and a shrug. "I was wondering if we could grab something to eat? That is, after I discuss the new witness with Olivia."

The way she just couldn't look into my eyes every time she wanted to ask something of me was one of my favorite endearing qualities about her. It was like she wasn't used to asking for help, excluding the times she had to seek out judges of course. And I knew it too, from experience.

Casey was an independent woman. She liked knowing she can do things on her own and excel in them just like everyone else (being in a primally male dominated environment can do that to you).

"Sure." I nodded, hiding a split-mouthing grin behind a simple lift of my lips. "I'll wait outside. Just cal me when you're done.

As a result of my acceptance, Casey's face lit up slightly and I was relieved to see a few light of energy in her smile. God I would do anything to make her smile like that always. After giving me a small hug, she went in the office.

I just stood there, watching after her like I always did.

"You love her, don't you?"

Damn it.

I rolled my eyes, berating myself for forgetting that Casey and I weren't the only people left. Evidently by the confused eyebrow-raise of the people's favorite psychiatrist next to me. (He technically wasn't part of NYPD main task force anymore, but he came to assist anytime Olivia called. I liked him, he's been around for my family for a very, very long time).

I call him Uncle George. He thinks it's cute.

"George, you know we're not like that." it hurt every time I said it, but it was true.   
  
No matter how much I liked Casey, or loved, I knew it was impossible for her to reciprocate my feelings. She was straight, like a ruler. And an obvious fact that everyone (everyone that knew about my feelings that is) should remember is that she was way out of my league.

"You didn't answer my question."

I sighed, leaning back onto the glass of the interrogation room where Molly had been earlier. I didn't dare to look into George's face as I replied, my voice careful not to reveal anything "You know it doesn't matter. Didn't we talk about this already?"

"And I've told you," he sighed, stepping forward to stand right in front of me face to face. "Admitting your feelings goes a long way. I can tell by the way you look at her, this isn't just a crush anymore, is it?"

"Since when does FBI do this kind of counseling." it was obvious I wanted to change the subject, and yet the man didn't allow me to. I knew he was right.

From the traumatic experiences of my childhood, it was harmful for me to keep things bottled up. But I didn't want to say it out loud. Because once I did, it all became real. And there was no way I wouldn't end up heartbroken yet again.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk, Alexander." he said, placing a comforting touch on my elbow. "But I still think you should. Do you still go to therapy?"

I nodded, lifting my eyes towards the ceiling to avoid the tears from spilling. One of my many self-hate reasons was that I got emotional very easily. It kinda hindered my ambition of becoming an SVU detective (or any kind of detective, for that matter). If I couldn’t hide my own feelings, how could I extract information and everything else from the perps. If I weren't an SVU detective, I don't know what I would be. Growing up under the shadow of the great Olivia Benson, it was all I knew.

"Once a month. I never told her about Casey though."

"Why not?"

I was afraid? I was fearful? I was embarrassed? I was confused? There were just too much emotions involved.

"I don't know." I answered honestly. "The only reason why you know about this is because you caught me staring at her once. Do you have to ask?" I never told anyone on my own will. Everyone that knew about my "situation" had caught me in the act one way or another.

He chuckled, moving his hand up to my shoulder and squeezed. "I suppose not. I asked because I was concerned."

I smiled, showing him I was truly touched of his concern for me. This was what I meant when I said the 16th precinct felt like home to me. Despite all the bad memories that brought me here, it gave me a family.

Losing my parents one after another, I gained two moms, a little sister, and a bunch of uncles & aunts in the process. And Casey, she was special. That’s all.

“I’ll keep you posted. You’ll regret asking once I’m finished with my “why Casey Novak is the most beautiful woman on the planet” thesis.”

George laughed, pushing me out of the station as he remarked jokingly that he would legitimately grade that paper if I handed it over to him. To tell you the truth, I would actually write it if I could.

Casey’s beauty was too divine in my eyes to be described by mere words of the English language anyway.

I waved him goodbye after a few minutes of trivial chit-chats, glad to have the chance to talk to him before he had to go back to Chicago. I heard he was going steady with a white collar lawyer down there (everyone likes lawyers, I snickered). I wished him all the best, and off he went, promising to call/text if anything arises.

“Hey, you’re right on time.”

I raised a mocking eyebrow, hiding the fluttering feeling in my chest when Casey rushed out, linking her arms through mine and led me towards the streets. I guess we were walking. “Uhh, you do know I’m the punctual one in this friendship right?”

“Shut up.” she halfheartedly slapped me on the arm, to which she just left her hands touching. “I was late once. You can’t use that as ammunition every time.”

“It’s called priors, counselor. And you bet your ass I’m going to use it every opportunity I get. Imagine if you were actually late to a trial? I’d pay to see that.”

Casey laughed, but shuddered as she imagined the scenario actually happening. “Donnelly would have me skinned alive. And Petrovsky, ugh, I won’t even go there.”

“Can’t be any worse than that nightmare where you interrupted the judges’ version of Game of Thrones while naked.” I tried my best to suppress my own shuddering at the image, though I laughed anyway since it was such a ridiculous scene.

“I regret telling you things. You use them against me all the time.”

I quirked up my lips as a sign of “Oh really?” and Casey just slapped me again as we walked into a Chinese restaurant near the station house.

We’ve been coming here religiously for lunch or dinner whenever either of us had free time for the past year. We came so often that the waitress, whose name was Lily, immediately waved us towards our usual desk the minute we entered.

I was just about to pull out Casey’s chair for her when she tugged my arm back and stopped me in the process. “Wait. Lily, can we get a booth at the back today?”

Lily looked just as confused as I was, but nodded anyway and beckoned us towards a more secluded part of the restaurant. For some stupid reason (which I would later blame George Huang for planting the idea in my head in the first place), I almost thought this would be a perfect place for a date with Casey.

Shaking the ridiculous notion off, I let Casey sit down first before reaching towards the other side. But once again, the attorney reached for the sleeve of my shirt and tugged me over to her side of the booth.

“Come sit next to me.”

Perplexed but obedient, I did what she told. And I didn’t know what message God was trying to convey to me, but I said the following “You’re awfully touchy today.”

The minute I said it, I felt Casey wrapping my left arm over her shoulders, turning our position into somewhat of a couple’s? I was officially flustered now.

“Okay…?” I drawled, though keeping still because I didn’t want Casey to get the wrong idea. She smiled up at me, and I felt no need to continue questioning her actions.

It wasn’t like I was complaining. I may be stupid, but I wasn’t dumb.

Surprisingly, since she was always such a gossip girl, Lily didn’t say anything when she came to take our orders. I called in my usual order of noodles and milk tea, while Casey got a light cup of green tea and sweet sour porks.

I meant to let Casey dwell in her thoughts (considering she might need it) a bit once Lily was gone, but she foiled that plan by looking up at me and started speaking softly “I’m sorry for being all touchy. I’m just… tired, and I could use a hug.”

Shaking my head, I lightly caress the slope of her left shoulder with my palm, earning a tiny bit of shudder (hopefully of ease and comfort). “I didn’t say I didn’t like it, so no apology needed.”

“Thanks.” she smiled. “It’s just the cases. Patty Branson’s is the last straw, honestly.”

Furrowing my eyebrows, I asked to confirm my knowledge of the case “The embryo mistake case? I thought you won the best of both worlds for that.”

Casey shrugged, placing her head on my shoulder and stayed cuddled close. Honest to God, she better not be hearing the stampeding my heart was doing inside my chest.

“I thought so too. But it didn’t mean it made me feel any better about tearing poor Patty on the stand and ripping her away from Michelle Osborne. Even if that was what Patty wanted.”

I nodded, now understanding her line of thoughts. “I get it. Though you did the best you could, you know that.”

“Thanks to Amanda's idea. Can you imagine what would have happened had I not gotten the idea of Solomon’s sword from her?”

“I don’t dare to think of the what ifs, Casey.” I unconsciously reached my hand up to stroke her auburn hair, sighing internally when she didn’t show any qualms of displeasure. “That’s a good ending, and I know you can’t get enough of that in our line of work.”

She chuckled against my collarbone, hands playing with the chopsticks on the table. “I suppose. Though I did get some good news on Judge Taft’s case.”

“The Taffy? Enlighten me.” I didn’t even try to hide my enthusiasm. Because let’s face it, that guy was a prick and deserved to be kicked out of the office for what he did.

“He was fired.” yes! “And definitely with a stain in his records that will guarantee him not able to find work in anything law related ever again.”

“Well done! I told you you got this in the bag.”

Casey laughed, squeezing my bicep gently. I recognized it as a sign of acknowledgement, and like many times before, I would consider it like a silent “thank you”.

“You sound even more passionate about getting his ass kicked out more than I do. Even Judge Clark would agree with me.”

I scoffed, using my right hand to make a gesture that screamed “Obviously!”

“He was a good-for-nothing arrogant piece of ass, and a goddamn pervert too. The whole thing he said about you wearing a skirt as ‘appropriate clothings’, ugh I would kick him in the balls if I had to hear that with my own ears.”

Growing up with SVU detectives, I became very sensitive towards the topic of sexual abuse or harassment. I never hesitated in showing my disdain for people who showed such tendencies, and Oliver Taft, aka Taffy, was not an exception.

Especially when it came to Casey Novak.

“I did good by showing up to his trial in pants, didn’t I?” she asked, and I had to suppress a loud laugh. I was there in the courtroom when she teared Taft up like a lioness on the witness stand. God she was so attractive it hurt.

“Definitely.” I nodded, and for some reason, decided to kiss her hair as a reward. I pulled back immediately, slightly away and out of our embrace, to check Casey’s facial expression. “W-was that okay?”

To my (absolute) pleasure, her porcelain complexion hinged a slight color of red, like her hair, and she smiled. A kind of smile I’ve never seen before.

Knowing well it won’t be good for me to dwell on such (misleading? hopeful?) signals, I cleared my throat and asked Casey about her other cases.

In the back of my head, I was doubting that maybe I was wrong.

About what? I didn’t know. But my guts were trying to tell me something, that I knew.

Damn it George Huang.

——————————

“Alexander, hey.”

“Alexander, wake up.”

At the insistent calling of my name, I gruntingly shook myself awake from my dreams and back into the real world.

The minute my eyes opened, I wish they hadn’t.

I had gotten a call at some ass hour this morning from Alex. If anyone asked, I would admit to had felt like wanting to throw my damn phone out of the window. I hated being awoken so abruptly.

Like mother like daughter, I was about to chew off whoever was on the other line (I can't tell you how many times I've heard Olivia & Alex threatened to do the same when we were still living in the same house). But I stopped myself just in time for my mom to convey the news.

“Baby, Casey was attacked last night.”

I remembered my heart stopped beating for a moment, and I could hear Alex's desperate attempt of calling my name from the other side of the line.

It didn’t quite register until the images of myself bloodied and clinging onto dear life at the Stone Residence started to come back that I finally realized who she was talking about.

Casey, my best friend for 3 years.

Casey, the woman I loved for 2 years.

Casey, the face that replaced my own in that exact same nightmare just a glimpse ago.

Everything after the phone call was a blur.

I didn’t remember putting on clothes nor driving to Mercy General. I didn’t remember storming in from the front door and startling everyone (doctors, nurses, staffs, orderlies, EMTs, etc.) inside in the process. I didn’t remember seeing lines and lines of cops and a small number of friendly attorneys standing outside her room.

But I did remember seeing her.

Her beautiful face was so bruised, patches of purple and yellow scattered all over her previously porcelain cheeks. Her closed eyelids had a dash of purple on them too. Her full lips were cut and split, at the same time. Her dyed blonde hair, always so soft, smooth and strong, was all over the place, draping over the ears that I had imagined I could kiss one day. And on her neck were the same dreading color of purple that I was starting to really hate.

At that moment, even if it was scientifically impossible, I was hurting as much as she did.

Perplexingly, but it made all the sense in the world, I still thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Olivia pulled me out of the room before I could approach her bed, and Alex tagged along with us. I finally realized who the people sitting outside Casey’s room were, essentially just my family of SVU, and therefore felt no qualm of hesitation or embarrassment when I screamed for an explanation on what the fuck had happened.

They somehow got me to shut up long enough for them to explain, and I felt myself losing my strength as I listened.

The last thing I remembered was asking if I could get a chair next to Casey’s bed and sleep next to it. It wasn’t a request, of course, I would not accept "no" for an answer.

“Mom?”

“Hey baby.” I heard she said, though my ears were a little bit more than muffled at this point. Her smooth-as-silk voice was akin to white noise now. “How are you feeling?”

I scoffed at the shrink-like question, putting on my glasses to see better. I felt a tinge of guilt when I snapped back at her “I’m not the victim, mom. I'm not supposed to, and don’t feel anything.”

Alex's blue eyes hardened, the way they always do when I do something out of line and she knew I knew that she expected more from me. I automatically apologized, dipping my head down in shame. I took off my glasses, annoyed at the weight, rubbing the spine of my nose to rid of myself from the impending headache. I knew I cried too much last night, and I was going to pay for it some time today.

“I’m sorry.” I said sheepishly. “I’m just… I don’t even have a word to describe what I’m feeling.”

“It’s okay.” No it’s not. Casey was hurt, how was it okay. Nothing was okay. “Liv went to the precinct with the guys to investigate. They’ll catch this guy.”

“Good. Is it too much to ask if I can be there when he’s being interrogated?”

Mom chuckled, knowing well how crazy that idea was. Not only was I not a detective of NYPD, I would probably kill the damn son of a bitch right then right there. Imagine all the paperwork, I snickered silently.

I felt my bangs (I sniffled some more, remembered Casey telling me to have it cut so that I could see better) being pulled back and my body immediately relaxed. But then I was reminded that the girl I loved was hurt badly and I shouldn't feel anything that wasn't pain right now.

“Hey” Alex called, softly “she wouldn’t want you to be like this. You know that.”

“She’s not awake to scold me, I’ll be fine.” I answered flatly, caressing Casey’s cold hand under her sheets. Tears sprang up into my eyes when she unconsciously flinched at my touch on her bruised knuckles.

She had tried to fight back. God I felt wrong for feeling so proud. “Was she awake when you brought her in?”

Mom continued to stroke my hair, then wiped away a lone tear that betrayed me as it ran down my cheek. It reminded me of when she prepped me for the trial of my birth mother.

Understandably, or that was what everyone said, I was never okay after everything that had happened. After that particularly disastrous fiasco in the station house where I smashed a table with my bare hands and hurdled a chair into the mirror, I surprised everyone, even myself, by being able to sit down with mom and prepped for cross-examinations on the witness stand.

This was what she did to help me calm down and rehearse reciting the happenings without breaking down and exploding in tears nor rage. Though I couldn't say it was helping me hold back the tears right now.

“Liv was here with her.” she finally answered me. “I didn’t get a call up until after Casey fell asleep. Liv said Casey cried, and then asked whether did he rape her.”

I froze my hand movements on Casey’s skin, a rush of rage splurging inside of me faster than I could control. The anger caused me to squeeze the nearest thing I could get my hands on, unfortunately, the glass of water I just picked up a second ago to drink.

Even as the blood trickled down from my hand to my arm, and as mom went into havoc trying to find something to bandage it, I couldn’t find myself the strength to move, nor to react.

I felt numb, like the pain I felt for Casey was so overwhelming I could no longer feel anything else, even if it was pain for myself.

Flashes of memories blinked in front of my eyes. Lunches where she talked about heartbreaking cases and tiring lacks of evidence. Dinners where I talked about one asshole of instructor after another. Platonic dates to the movies, diners, restaurants, museums, arcades. Takeouts on my couch, home-cooked meals on hers.

It wasn’t until mom cradled my face with her hands, softly calling me “Alexander, Alexander?” for me to wake up. I paid no attention to the trembling in my voice, nor the tears slowly but painfully dripping down my face. Traitors.

“Did he rape her?” I asked, then heaved a big gulp when mom said no. Still, I couldn’t stop crying.

And apparently, I never stopped.

I never stopped hurting for her.

____________________________________

It was well into the night, approaching around twelve or one, and yet I wasn’t feeling up for any form of sleep.

A day had passed since Casey was attacked, and to my displeasure, I was absent from most of it.

The minute Casey woke up, she begged the doctor to release her so that she could return to the courthouse. Before that, Sonny informed her of Nina, aka the rape victim, refusing to testify in front of the grand jury. Therefore, she had been running around like a headless chicken from the witness’s home to the courthouse all day long, trying to salvage the situation from burning into ashes.

But it wasn’t like I knew much about it. Olivia could only provide me with so much information that wouldn’t hinder the investigation.

So yeah, that was basically why I was still up at this ass hour of the night.

I had watched from her bedside how agitated and fired up she was. I had watched her leapt off the bed, almost falling on her ass because she couldn’t yet walk without a cane. I had watched her screaming at the doctor and momma, who had returned to Casey’s room after mom had to go to court, to let her discharge herself.

All that time, Casey never once noticed me.

And yeah, maybe I sounded selfish. Or maybe I was selfish. But I felt hurt, not for being away from the center of her attention, but because of my never-ending pain on her behalf.

Stupid, I knew.

I wasn’t the victim. She was.

I had no right to feel so pained. Just because she was the woman I loved didn’t mean I was allowed to mope in this bundle of sorrows that had engulfed me since the moment I saw her all banged up.

To make the situation even better, I was worried too.

Alex was shot and almost killed by a Columbian cartel lord a year ago after insisting on trying a case despite all repercussions, and it left momma devastated to see her bleeding almost to death on the pavement. I knew Casey was just as stubborn as mom was. What if she tried to do the same and got killed? I didn’t even know who attacked her, whether it was the prime suspect or any other individuals connected to the case.

Knowing nothing and being kept out of the loop (I didn’t blame anyone at the 16th Precinct, they had more things to answer questions to relieve some 22-year-old’s curious state of mind), all sorts of scenarios and images just popped into my head without any rational control.

Casey being shot dead. Casey being kidnapped. Casey being assaulted, again.

“Pathetic son of a bitch…” I laughed depreciatingly, drained from all the tears and frantic worrying that had fueled me for the past twenty-four hours.

The sound of ringing kept echoing inside my head. It was close by, sounded like my phone, but I couldn’t care less about anything right now.

Other than Casey Novak, nothing else mattered at this moment.

In order to not go completely bonkers and destroy everything I could touch (my therapist mentioned it being one of my defense mechanism), I tried to imagine Casey interviewed by Amanda & Fin. Casey taken care of by Olivia & Alex. Casey checked up on by George and Dr. Warner. Casey unstoppable and ruthless in the courtroom as she brought justice to the rape victim, and to herself.

So lost in my imaginations, I never noticed the sound of my door opening. Nor did I notice the light footsteps approaching me.

I laid there on my couch, alone in my apartment with the TV on, takeouts casted aside for the lack of appetite, and completely unguarded.

“Xander?"

The back of my throat automatically made a grunting noise, another defense mechanism of mine that was activated whenever I felt like I didn’t want to face the real world. My imaginations clouded all my senses, both mom and ma would be so mad if they knew this, but I wouldn’t even notice if someone broke in and tried to kill me.

A featherweight touch on my cheek interrupted my train of thoughts, and I unhappily opened my eyes.

Green eyes. Blonde hair. Full lips. Cute nose. Purple bruises.

Wait a minute.

“Casey?”

——————————

“How the hell did this happen-“

“I wasn’t fast enough, I’m sorry-“

“It’s not your fault, Terry.”

Too loud. Too much noises. And what was this awful feeling on my stomach.

“Xander? Xander, are you awake?”

Grunting, I pried opened my eyes and had to shut them closed because of the blinding lights. So instead, I tried to add some strength into my forearms and push myself up into a sitting position.

“Jesus Christ…” I mumbled, finally opening one eye. The corner of my mouth quirked up once I saw 3 of New York’s finest stacking nearby my bedside. “I’m not an animal exhibited in the zoo. Stop crowding on me.”

“Sarcasm, Xander’s back y’all!”

God I could recognize that boisterous voice anyway “Cool it Fin. I was never dead.”

I peered at the bedside clock, pursing my lips at the time. I had slept for a long time, no wonder why I felt so refreshed.

“But you scared all of us half to death.”

I heaved a large breath the minute I saw Terry, safe, in one piece, and alive. My mind had been replaying the happenings inside Central Park in my dreams, and one of my first thoughts as I awoke was whether or not Terry McGinnis was okay.

He has been my assigned partner for a year, and I didn’t know much about relationships between partners (though I did have several great role models) but I truly felt like we have a good thing together.

“Hey Terrance.” I laughed, though kinda grimacing because it hurt when I flexed my abdominal muscle. “You alright? Did he hurt you?”

He smiled back at me, his jet-black hair long and bushy, exuding a brotherly aura that I found so unfamiliar. My eyes steered down to his face, noting the black eye and the multiple scratch marks visible on his arm. “Not lying in a hospital bed, so, pretty schway. I’m sorry I didn’t move fast enough to protect you.”

I shook my head, knowing well he was just kicked in the crotch AND sucker-punched when the perp stabbed me in the stomach. Adrenaline was still rushing, I was able to stay conscious long enough to see backups approaching the scene before fading away.

“I’m fine. A little sore?” I tilted my head to look at the doctor who just came in. She proceeded to tell me about my injuries, and what I would need to do in order to make a full recovery. The three police officers stood nodding, even though I was sure none of them really understood every word the doctor just said.

She left after a while, relaying news that had me try really hard to suppress groans of disappointment and made sure I knew I needed to rest before going back to work.

“Perp is in custody. So you don’t have to worry about anything and just rest.”

Groaning, I tried to find the positivity in what Sonny just said. “2 months of home rest do not sound appealing to me.”

“Appealing to your moms, I’d say that’s the only thing the doctors had in mind when they diagnosed you.”

Huh. Now that Terry said it, I started to wonder where my two moms were. I figured they would be the first ones here, or were they so busy they didn’t have time for me?

“Where are they anyway?” I asked, careful to not let any feeling of vulnerability out for everyone to see.

“Captain Benson is at the station interrogating the hell out of our rapist. Last I heard, they were bringing in our rape victim and the little boy, the one that witnessed the whole thing from afar? from last night to do a lineup.”

“Officer McGinnis is spot on.” Amanda confirmed. “Casey and Alex are working to push for a speedy trial. They’ll be here as soon as they can.”

“Affirmative. I texted Cabot. They’re booking him in. Your moms and your pretty lady will be here any minute now.”

I tried not to grin so widely when Fin called Casey “my pretty lady”. I mean, he wasn’t wrong. But even after a year of dating, I still got butterflies when I thought of her like that. All beautiful, all graceful, and all mine.

“Get that grin off your face, Officer Benson.” Terry teased. I glared, knowing well he was the only one who knew about me dating Casey. He accidentally found out about us when I texted “I love you.” to her and he happened to glance at my phone screen. We wanted to make sure it was serious before telling everyone, (it was Casey's first relationship with a woman too), so you can all guess my annoyance when he found out. He promised not to say anything though, so that was reassuring. “People at the station would have a festival with this lovesick puppy face of yours.”

“That can’t happen. Cabot-Benson’s are notoriously known for only being soft with the victims.”

I rolled my eyes at Amanda’s teasing, but I agreed. Like what my mom always told me, I knew being a female police officer wasn’t always gonna be easy. Therefore I tried my best not to reveal too much of myself when I work, and only showed compassion/empathy (or at least the appropriate amount) when it came to dealing with the victims.

Fin, Amanda and Terry stayed around for a bit longer to take my (and Terry's as well) statement before eventually being called in. I waved them off, feeling melancholy because I loved doing my job and I was stuck here in the hospital with nothing to entertain myself with.

Since I was already awake, I might as well practice reciting the incidents happening in the park again. I didn’t know if the DA’s office made a deal and not indict the perp on the assault charges, but I’d have to tell the story again and again anyway. Better to make sure I got all the details straight. Maybe I'd even remember something new.

“Excuse me? Can I have a notepad and a pen?”

The nurse in charge of me nodded, and happily gave me the things I needed. I thanked her, let her do the dressings on my wound and left me to my own devices.

I was finishing up the statement when the door bursted opened and walked in the three of most important people in my life.

Olivia looked victorious. Alex had her smug smirk on. And Casey, well let’s just say, I must have been the luckiest girl on Earth to have that particular smile aimed at, and reserved only for, me.

“Hi.” I tried to greet brightly to show them I was alright, but I overdid it a little bit and ended up grimacing instead. “I almost thought you all forgot about me.”

“We’d never.” Ma berated, immediately sitting down on my bed and grabbing my left hand. “I got Fin’s text after I finished interrogating McNair.”

“More like tearing it into him. You’re lucky he was scared shitless and confessed to everything on the spot. Imagine if his lawyer was there.” Mom chipped in, slapping ma’s arm with one hand and sweeping my bangs off my forehead with the other. “Hi sweetie, are you feeling okay?”

I nodded, beckoning Casey over too. She sat down on the other side of my bed, reaching to grab my notepad and ceased my hand in the process. I wasn't worried about my moms knowing, since we were already touchy-feely even when we were just friends. “I’m good. Doc said I have to be on bed rest for 2 months.”

“I imagine you weren’t happy when she said that.” Mom smiled, and grinned when I let out an exaggerated groan. “Listen to the doctor. Then you’ll be off catching bad guys again soon enough.”

“Hopefully.” I turned to look at Casey, who were now looking at me instead of the notepad. “You’re finished reading my statement?”

She nodded, handing it over to ma but never taking her eyes off mine. “With yours and Terry’s statements, we can add assaults into his list.”

“Did you make any deal? That is, before ma scared him shitless?”

“Didn’t have to.” Alex laughed, caressing Olivia's arm affectionately. “Casey threw him his list of conviction. Liv almost threw him from one side of the desk to the other. I suppose the defense attorney would plea insanity, so we’ll wait.”

“His lawyer wasn’t in there with him, right? Wouldn’t that be a problem?” I asked, immediately worried since I knew full well how often confessions get thrown out.

Casey shook her head, squeezing my shoulder to calm me down. “It won’t change. We have yours, Terry’s, Alice and Ben’s testimonies. And the forensics too. Huang will take a look at him if necessary.”

“Okay.” I sighed. “Okay. Just so you all know, I’m gonna be at every trial. And that’s not up for argument.”

“You’re a Benson. If I couldn’t get your momma to sleep at a decent hour, do you honestly think I could make you stay away from the trial?”

For the first time since I was admitted, I laughed out loud, and even the pain couldn’t stop me.

They stayed to talk for a long time. When I said I was hungry, Olivia left for a minute to sneak in a burger for me. Alex, and Casey for that matter, wasn't pleased, but I made my best effort to persuade them to let me have it. A little puppy dog eyes worked every time.

I wanted to see Ali too, but seeing as it was lunch time on a Thursday, she would still be in school. Alex promised to have her call me later tonight, granting my wish of not letting her step foot inside the hospital. I didn't mean anything by it, I loved my baby sister. We, as a family, had seen the hospital too many times though. I wanted to wait a little more for her to be exposed to the danger her loved ones faced every day.

Both my moms regrettably had to leave some time later, saying they needed to finish up paperworks before they could come back to discharge me. I waved them off, happy that I’d still have Casey here with me.

“Did your doctor say anything about needing someone to take care of you?”

I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to think back of what my doctor said a while ago. “I don’t really remember. But I can change my own wound dressing, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Casey chuckled, shaking her head. I stared into her eyes, noting of the worry there. “Partly. I was just worried.”

Smiling, I shifted my body a bit to the side and allowed Casey to snuggle close. Mindful of my injury, she never let her hands stray away from my lap.

“Thank you.” I kissed her hair like I always did whenever I wanted her to feel better. And the expected result of my action was always a shag in her tension, sinking her body into my arm and her head snuggling into my shoulder blade. “I was kinda scared when he stabbed me. Almost thought I would have been in a worse state.”

“Terry thought so too. He called me the minute he was cleared by the medics. When I got here, your moms and the detectives were too.”

“Doc didn’t let you in to see me?”

“Nope.” it was lucky that Casey couldn’t see the smile I barely tried to hide. I could recognize that sulky tone of voice anywhere. “She said you were out like a light, and that it was better for us to just come in the morning.”

“Probably the morphines.” she laughed softly, nodding as she fizzled with my hands. “You did get some sleep, right?”

When she didn’t say anything in reply, I tried to glance down at her face. Removing a hand that she had been playing with, I lifted her chin up with my finger and raised an eyebrow.

Casey sighed, closing her eyes shut. “Not really. I was so worried I couldn’t sleep.”

I nodded, conveying that I understood even if she couldn’t see. To be honest, I would have done the same thing. Hell I did do the exact same thing when she was beaten up.

Placing another kiss on her nose, I inhaled the comforting scent of her hair and smiled. I was so happy, so glad that I was alive. And she was the reason why.

“I would have done everything to come back to you, Casey. I love you.”

I knew I fell for her first. And even if Casey felt a lot more for me than she portrayed, she still wasn’t yet ready. Charlie’s death had taken a toll on her, and she was still on her way to recover from the guilt.

So I never expected her to return my exclamation. She turned her head upwards and kissed me, but not before her words sinking slowly into my brain.

Kissing her, even at the first time, felt like home. And I’ve never felt safer with anyone else.

“I love you.” she said it again. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner. When I got Terry’s call, the only thing in my mind was that I was so scared I wouldn’t get to tell you, and I would never forgive myself if you had died without knowing. I love you.”

I smiled, wiping away her tears as I kissed her again, and again. “I love you too. And don’t worry. I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.”

We laid in silence, comforted by each other’s warmth. It was so quiet, so peaceful that I almost fell asleep. But I was so glad I didn’t. Had I did, I wouldn’t have heard this.

“I’m ready to go public. I don’t want to hide you nor our relationship anymore.”

God I could not love her anymore than I did now.


End file.
